The Thread

My life is complicated. I'm living a double life. I have two faces. Some people know, some people don't and others may have an inkling of what I am. Do I care? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. But the bottomline is, I am living a life inside the closet.

A few years ago, I was introduced to a website by some chatter I met online. It was similar to Friendster. It was a social networking site for PLU's. I found it very interesting. It had unlimited messaging, chats, forums and even health updates. In short, I signed up.

I used to meet people through chat, but with a new website catching my attention, I decided to meet up with people who were members. To this day, there are guys from the site who have become very good friends. These are people whom I could share my experiences with without being judged because we are in the same boat.

Around early 2006, I entered a thread in the sex forum. It was a thread that was meant for discreet guys. I found the posts funny and interesting. I decided to join the conversation. After days of posting regulary on the thread, I became close to a few "chatters." Every time we were online, the thread became some sort of a chatroom. It was an exchange of witty and sometimes, vulgar jokes which everyone found funny.

I could still remember their usernames back then:
1. caretaker
2. str8
3. tagay
4. marhk
5. orbiter
6. binata
7. benjie
8. ramrod

They were my regular chatmates while on the site. It was through them that I released what I wanted to tell about myself. About my adventures and misadventures with the same sex. Caretaker became some sort of a cyber big brother to me. It was through him that I related stuff that I would never tell my straight friends. Stuff that may cause a fallout or even discrimination among friends. He knew my secrets, he was my outlet. Until the day came wherein I had to say goodbye to the thread.

I moved to a new place. I had no regular internet connection except when I was at the office. I barely had any communication with any of them except for caretaker who would sometimes chat with me through YM.

While I was away, the group became so close. They went out. Had their drinking sessions. And eventually became a new barkada. A bond tied them together. The bond: They were people living discreet gay or bisexual lives. They knew what each other felt. They knew what each other thought. They knew that when they were together, they could be themselves: no inhibitions, no judgments, no taunting... THEY WERE FRIENDS in the true sense of the word.

Too bad, I was away when all these happened.

I never thought that I would still see them nor talk to them until late last year:

While I was home for the holidays, I decided to see the threads on the website. I saw this thread called "Mga Totoong Discreet." Sounds familiar. I looked at the profile of the thread starter, read the posts, and messaged caretaker through his YM. BINGO! The thread starter was indeed my old cyber chum, caretaker, although this time, he has a new username: Firefox.

In the thread, I saw that they were having a GEB. I befriended one of the guys there named misteryoso. I asked him about the previous EB. I also asked firefox if I could join their next EB. He willingly said YES!

On the day of the GEB, there were some hesitations on my part if I was gonna go. First, the venue was quite far from where I live, Congressional Avenue in QC. Second, will the group accept me? Do they still know me after being out of circulation for almost 2 years? Will they still recognize me or my username for that matter? What if I wasn't accepted because I didn't look good just like them?

There were so many what ifs. In the end, I finally decided to go. I was kinda nervous as to what kind of reception I would get when I arrive. Firefox has been a cyberfriend for years but we've never met before. Tagay was a familiar face but the last time I saw him personally was almost two years ago. My familiarity with Marhk was just through memories of our previous thread and I never had a chance to talk to him eversince. I wasn't comfortable with Str8 because I knew that he was a snob even in chat, what more in person? And as for the rest, I was totally clueless as to who they were.

I was silent most of the time. I spent my time drinking the beer which Tagay would give me until I got tipsy. I had to call a close friend several times to keep me sane and sober. I didn't know how to talk to the group. I know that I was makulit when I was in the old thread. But will they even like me if I retain such a demeanor after two years?

It was such an awkward moment! I didn't know what to say nor what to do in front of everyone! But I am glad that there were people around who talked to me and even made fun of me by throwing bottle caps at me! That kinda eased whatever tension I was feeling inside of me.

After that GEB, I decided to post more often in the thread so that I could get to know everyone better. I became what I was 2 years ago. A regular tambay. And I met more interesting personalities including Tsupaeng. We both discovered that we were residents of the same city. We decided to meet up and go to church. It was a good meeting because we found out that we have something in common- we were schoolmates! We came from the same school although from different batches- he was a senior when I was still in grade 3. Nevertheless, it was great meeting somebody who was like me! I had another kuya!

The thread became a magnet. I was often online and whenever there wasn't any internet connection, I felt upset! Then came news that a few people from the thread were gonna visit the place where I am based! I was quite ecstatic that PLU's I know online would visit this place that I call home for the moment. In the end, two of them pushed through: Mike and Rain. I met up with Mike and his friends first, then partied with Rain the day after. It was fun to know that I was with people like me. I spent some time with both and I do believe that I have created genuine friendship with both. 'Til next time guys!

For now, I guess the thread will continue to be my outlet until I decide which way I should go!